July 1, 2012
So here is the secret…online
dating is a game and in order to win the game (aka find the right person) you
have to know the rules. And lucky for me I am a fast learner and I am learning
the rules quickly.
So rule #1 HAVE A GOOD PICTURE! Because
although everyone is on this website to find love and put the judging to the
side, the first thing each person does is looks at the picture. If the picture
does not spark interest why waste the rest of your time and read the profile? I
mean there is like 10 million people on this thing and it is WAY easier to not
invest in the product if the picture advertisement isn’t so good. So lesson
learned: Bengals baseball caps and a Miller Lite in a picture equates to the
dirt bike riding country boys. All dolled up as a bridesmaid picture…now that
is when you start to have more people take the bait. There are still people
that are clearly not my type taking the bait but I am starting to have people
that actually interest me woo me with their virtual winking.
Rule #2 HAVE A DETAILED AND
INTERESTING PROFILE. So when you start this whole process the first thing you
do is spend like an hour answering a million questions about yourself.
For Example:
“If you and your friend were at a party and
you knew no one there would you…
A. Have
a few drinks and then start to warm up to people.
B. Go
up to people at the party and introduce yourself.
C. Only
talk to your friend.
D. Leave
immediately.
So yea, you answer about 1 million
of these questions and then you are given 3,000 characters to describe
yourself. Now that is a very loaded 3,000 characters. You are sitting there
thinking, so do you want to know about the time I turned 21 and blacked out in
20 minutes and sat in a box only to moon the entire street on my way home? or
would you rather hear me say I love my friends and family and I like to go out
and have a good time? I chose the second and pretty much answered my entire
profile that way. Well that was wrong. Actually both of those answers are
wrong. In order to attract the type of people that are going to be your match,
I have learned you have to give specific details about where you like to have a
good time. Sure you select your “interests” from a long list of like 50 things
but that’s just not enough to get people to approach you. I had a very vague
profile and I think that is why I’m not attracting the people I want to go out
with. They don’t know anything specific about how I like to have a good time.
Once I started to read other people’s profiles I started to see what I needed
to include. One guy that I actually just emailed (tell you about him in a
second) had written in his 3,000 characters the bars and areas of Cincy that he
hangs out in. Um Genius, because besides the fact that he isn’t too shabby
looking, I knew we would get a long because I hang out in all the same spots.
So there was a clutch move made by Mr. Ray Bans.
Also, You have to include your
job. I’m sorry but it is such a good convo starter. I can’t even tell you how
many times someone emailed me today to comment on my summer off. I mean the
easiest things to chat about are jobs, weather, traveling, places to hang out
in Cincy, and music. All things that should probably be somewhere in your
profile. So while I was hanging out in cyberspace with a profile that said
amateur things like “I like to go out with my friends” Mr.Right probably took
one look at that bland profile and categorized me as “wet blanket.” Such a
beginners mistake. Lesson learned.
Rule #3 TAKE A FREAKING CHANCE.
This thing can be overwhelming and if anyone is the biggest wimp about
rejection and putting themself out there it is me. But I am learning that I
have to be confident and take chances. I mean it is 2012 it is okay for a girl
to go ahead and make the first move. I have slowly gotten my feet wet with this
one and I am hoping that I keep growing some big kahunas so I can pursue the
people I am interested in.
So I just logged in and I have 17
emails, 7 matches, and winks. So that is overwhelming. Dear Lord let there be some good people in
this mix. Might as well just dive in
head first.
Okay Mr. Bobcat is out, and here
is why…
Yea I figured you would hate them.
Lol and I am going to let it slide that you are a bengals fan.
we will also have to go try some new
ones that you havent been too.
Guess what I am a expert at getting
rid of spiders so that dont scare you.
No Bananas? What is wrong with you
Cincinnati women hehe. Speaking of fruit, what is your favorite?
this is on your profile you slacker.
are you the youngest or oldest?
that is really good you love what you
do, I dont want to date a crappy butt lol.
1. I dont like tomatoes ( I do like
ketchup and tomato sauce)
2. Ok here is a funny one, when I was
12 I used the restroom on an electric fence.
3. I sometimes like A1 on potatoes,
yea i Know weird.
4. I want to travel to every
continent.
5. I am a awesome
cuddler, you have been warned.
Mr. Bobcat slow the F down! Maybe I should have included
on my 5 random facts that I hate to be cuddled or touched when I sleep. And the
only time in my life I have ever cuddled was when I dated a football player and
was forced to cuddle because we were sharing a twin bed that was the width of
his entire body. I think he was way too much with that email. That was the 4th
email. I mean call me old school but I don’t want to talk about sharing a bed
with you on the 4th email (hah referring to the 4th email
like the 4th date) A little much. Immediately after he sent that
email he sent me a 5th email asking what I do for summer and my pet
peeves. Here is my response:
Hey,
1. I’m not a huge tomato fan
either.
2. This is a funny one.
3. I’m an A1 fan myself. My best
friend and I ate A1 on green beans my entire freshman year of college in our
dorm.
4. This is a good goal.
5. I hate cuddling so you have
been warned.
This is my first summer that I haven’t been in school so I
am doing nothing. I am a dance tam coach for the middle school I work at so we
have practices all summer. I also spend a couple days a week planning for the
upcoming year. So far this summer I have pretty much just gone to the pool,
hung out with my friends, and traveled to see some of my out of town friends.
My biggest pet peeves are people who are one uppers, people who drive slow in
the fast lane and don’t get over, when my students don’t turn in their
homework, and when people cough or sneeze without covering their mouths. How
about you?
E
So I feel like that was a legit response. I mean I had to
be honest about the cuddling thing. So I gave him a response and another chance
but one more out-of-line step like that and he is removed from my little
“interested” category on my profile.
So next email…lets chat about this one. This is where I
have a problem with the online dating thing. He is nice he reached out by
emailing, winking, and putting me in his interest pile, but he isn’t my type
and he is younger and I’m not interested. This is honestly a classic “it’s not
you it’s me” because I’m not interested in someone younger and he is 23. You
can push the “no thanks” button and the website tells them you aren’t
interested. I feel like that is a sucker way to reject so I’d rather give them
my reason so they don’t get down. This website isn’t for people loosing
confidence in themselves and I don’t ever want to do that to anyone but how do
I tell him I’m not interested in a nice way? You can see how many times people
have viewed your profile and he has viewed mine 8 times. He email is cute and nice but bottom line I’m
not interested.
His email:
Hey
So im E and I am a financial analyst.
I've been told that makes me either boring or an overgrown frat boy. I think im
more in the middle. I can have fun and can also be happy staying in watching a
movie with the right person.
I saw your a teacher and coach. That
has to be so rewarding. I used to coach basketball and it was so much fun and I
felt so good helping kids that I hope to do it again soon.
I saw that you said you like to go to
new places around town. Im sure I have a few gems that you have never heard of
that maybe I could share with you sometime :).
What are some of your favorite places
to hangout?
Hope to hear from you soon.
E
So how do I respond? This is where you put on the big girl
pants and tell yourself you are on this website for you and it is worse to
string him along with emails then to just nip it in the bud.
E,
I don’t think a financial analyst makes you boring at all!
You are right, my job is extremely rewarding and most days I love it. You seem
really awesome and nice however I am looking to date someone a little older
than I am. I appreciate you taking interest in me and my profile. You seem really great so good luck with
everything in the future.
You know this is a hard thing to do because obviously I
don’t want to get an email like that from someone I’m interested in; ultimately
I’m on here for me and I can’t lose sight of that. There is like a bazillion
people on here there is probably someone who looks like and acts like me. You
can date her. NEXT!
YEAAAAA! The body builder/school councilor emailed me
back! Let me refresh you of our email history:
June 28
Hey :) My name is Mr. weight lifter.
I was reading about you, & it sounds like we have a lot in common, so I
thought I'd say hi. How's your week going so far?
June 28
Hey! We have a ton in common! My week
has been great because I have pretty much spent all these hot days at the pool.
I'm sure you saw I am a teacher so I'm off all summer and I have been taking
full advantage. What have you been up to during this hot week? I'm glad you
sent an email.
Hey E, nice to hear from you :)
Lucky you to be at the pool all week
haha. I've just been mostly working, and helping my brother move. He just
bought a new house in ********.
We've been having some crazy weather
lol, it was 104 earlier today then like an hour later when the storm came in
the temp dropped 30 degrees.
So what made you decide to join
match? What has your experience been like on it so far?
What all are you up to this weekend?
Talk to you soon,
Mr. Weight lifter don’t get dehydrated on this hot day
because you need to take me on a date! This guy I like. He is 30 so I hope he
is okay with the fact that I tend to still act 14 when enticed by my friends.
Oh well this is the fun part of this websiteeeee! Cool.
Mr. Weight Lifter,
I can’t complain about my summer activities. J *****is really nice. I
actually teach really close to ******* so I have a pretty long drive because I
live in *******.
I decided to join ********** for a couple reasons. Most of
my friends live out of town now so I don’t go out as often as I used to when I
lived with them. When I moved back to Cincinnati I hung out with all the same
people that I went to high school with and I really haven’t met anyone new in a
really long time. I figured this was a good way to meet new people and get out
of my comfort zone of high school/college.
My experience has been fine. I joined like 3 days ago so I am still
trying to figure this whole thing out. It is kind of confusing. How about you? Why
did you decide to join *******? How has your experience been?
This weekend was busy for me. Friday I had out of town
guests visiting so we went to Japs and Neon’s in OTR. Then Saturday I went to
the Hyde Park Blast and then I had a family party. Today, I am going to a
graduation party and then relaxing for my busy week of pool hopping. How was
your weekend?
E
So don’t judge me on the smile face. I was actually smiling.
So a few of these emails I’m just not interested. So what
do you do? DO you just ignore the person and hope they get the hint
(mean)? Do you respond back and tell
them you aren’t interested (bitchy)? Its like pick your poison because either
way you are telling them you aren’t interested and it’s a rejection and that is
the last thing anyone wants in life. YOU ARENT IT! What a terrible thing to say
to a person. Especially when they had the balls to email. For now I’m just not
emailing back. I have a shit tom of emails to go through and at some point you
stop responding…I think.
So, Athens Ohio is a great place and I trust anyone who
went there. So email #8…
Fellow bobcat here! Read your profile
and we really have a lot in common. Please reply back if you're interested at
all.
Mr. FellowOU
My response:
Mr. FellowOU
Great life choice
when you decided to go to OU. I definitely respect that about you. We do have
quite a bit in common. What do you like to do on the weekends in Cincy? I saw
you like sports, have you been to any Reds games this summer?
E
Short. Sweet. To the point. Next email and this one is a
doozy.
Go Bobcats
EKC,
No I am not a
Bobcat, my friend Matt played football there so I have to be supportive. That
is awesome that you love teaching, it is rare that people actually like what
they do. I hope that I will like the practice of law, it is hard to tell. I
like it as a law clerk, but there are some things about it that I do not like
at all, guess that is with anything. That is righteous that you are a football
fan. Are you a bengals fan, I am a huge WHO DEY fan. I actually just moved back
to Cincinnati. I was in WV for the last seven weeks working at a law office
down there. I am doing the same thing up here but for a firm in Dayton. In
August I start my last year of law school, I hope it goes by fast. Have you
made it to any Reddies games. Getting to a game is on the top of my list of
things to do now that I am back. Well I look forward to hearing from you. Oh,
my name is Mr. Lawyer by the way.
So there is a bunch of shit wrong here. Mr. Lawyer, your
intentions are good I will give you that but…yea. So you’re one year older than
me and your friend played OU football. Chances are I know him. Mr. Lawyer you
didn’t go to OU so you won’t get it but Bobcats know Bobcats that are within a
year of them. Did you not see my Bengals hat picture? So you go to Dayton Law
School and have a year left…chances are you know the same 3 people I know who
also have a year left at UDLS. I’m glad you like Cincy sports I really am but
we don’t call them Reddies. We call them Redlegs or the Reds. Not Reddies.
Sorry, good try. But since you seem like you have good intentions and you’re
enthusiastic I am going to email you back and ask you to take out the 2 diamond
studs you are sporting…so Pauly D of you.
My response:
Mr. Lawyer,
Well we have a ton is common. I’m a huge OU enthusiast so
I’m glad you’re a supporter. I am a Cincinnati sports lover. I have to be
honest, my favorite part about Bengals and Reds games is the tailgating. I have
been to a ton of Reds games this year. I’m a sucker for pre-game drinks at Holy
Grail and some Redlegs. You definitely need to make it to a game. I’m sure if you get into the right kind of
law you will enjoy what you are doing. Congrats on making it to your last year
of law school. That is quite an accomplishment. Talk to you soon.
E
The emails like this are just weird…
how are you? You are a very beautiful
woman and would love the opportunity to get to know you. I feel that we have
quite of bit in common and would love to show you that im a great guy. I hope
to hear from you and please ask me anything you would like to know, im an open
book
Mr. Weirdo
NEXT……on to the next one, on, on to the next one.
So the firefighter responded… Remember he was the one who
winked, then I winked, then he emailed “Hey, how was your week” and I
responded. Well, here is his huge response:
I know, my AC went
out last week and I spent all day Thursday installing the new one. What made
you wanna get on here?
Mr. FF
So, Mr. FF a man of very few words. Thanks for all the
insight. Its amazing because some people are telling you they want to cuddle
after the 4th email and then you have some people who are one step
above comatose. Very interesting how this whole thing is. But I have been
feeling since Mr. FF winked and by his profile that he is guarded, like myself,
and is either unsure of the website or himself. He does say in the first line
of the profile that his co-workers talked him into getting on this website.
My Response:
What a terrible week to have your
AC go out. I swear Friday was the hottest day of the summer. At least you got a
new one. I decided to
join for a couple reasons. Most of my friends live out of town now so I don’t
go out as often as I used to when I lived with them. When I moved back to
Cincinnati I hung out with all the same people that I went to high school with
and I really haven’t met anyone new in a really long time. I figured this was a
good way to meet new people and get out of my comfort zone of high
school/college. How about you? I saw you said your co-workers talked you
into checking this website out. Has it been a good experience for you so far?
The old copy and paste trick.
Well another Bobcat just made contact. I’ll tell you what
put your college on there and they will come. He is an OU med student and he is
doing his residency in a hospital in Dayton. I’m just not willing to drive to
Dayton. Too far. How do I do this?
My response:
Hey Mr. Doctor,
Nice to hear from you. Love OU! Congrats on finishing up
Med school and starting your residency. That’s a great accomplishment. You
sound really awesome and well rounded. I actually live right next to downtown
Cincinnati so we are pretty far from one another. Good luck with everything in
the future.
E
He is totally going to find someone in Dayton and be
great. He seems super nice. Good for him. I feel like that was a good way to
say we aren’t right for each other but you are def going to find someone.
There are some non-negotiables for me. When I see these
things it is a red flag and I push the “no, thanks” button so that the website
can notify them that I am not interested. I don’t like when people have taken
18 pictures of themselves making faces in their bedroom for a variety of
reasons (mainly because it reminds me of the 7th grade students I
teach). And, I don’t like when people email me weird things. For example,
someone asked “what are you smiling at in all those pictures? ;)” I’m not smiling at anything in all my
pictures. I’m smiling in my pictures because that’s what normal humans do when
someone is taking their picture unless they’re getting a driver’s license in
Virginia. What a creepy thing to say. I
mean if you are trying to imply that I am smiling at you that’s weird because
up until you emailed me I had no idea you even existed on planet earth. Just
weird. I also don’t like when men 23+ put they are interested in 18 year olds.
That’s creepy. Date someone your own age.
So now that I have read all my emails I need to check my
“interest” folder. When people are interested in my they let me know. I have 10
people interested and this hipster, he is cute so I am going to email him. Hipsters are a huge fad right now and I’m
always willing to check out a fad. That’s the only reason I ever wore gauchos
was because they were a fad. Not because they were flattering.
My email:
Hey Mr. Hipster,
We hang out at a lot of the same bars in OTR. I was just
at Neon’s Friday. Did you have a good weekend?
E
This is gets a little easier every time. I think it is way
easier to make a move when they have already taken the first step because you
aren’t really putting yourself out there. They already did that and all you did
was bite. I get nervous when I have to make the first move like I just did with
Mr. Ray Bans. Mr. Ray Bans is literally perfect. He is so cute and hangs out
at all the same spots I do. And he is so cute. And his profile is funny. And he
is so cute. And he has good clothes. And he is so cute. Damnit. This is where I
freak out a little. To be honest some of these people I email I’m not
intimidated because they are equal to me. But Mr. Ray Bans would be like
dating out of my league. He is so cute. I want him to email me. I don’t want to
sit for an hour and answer 23 emails that I’m fairly interested in. I want one
email a day and I want it to be from Mr. Ray Bans. COME ON WEBSITE THIS IS
YOUR JOB! Put me on his daily 7 match list…NOW! I want to photo shop my picture
like some of these other dorks on here. Damnit. I have to make a move. This is
my online dating resolution. I am on here to find the person I want. Not to
settle for the people who contact me. Sure this is trying to date up. Maybe it
will be an epic fail maybe not. I obviously want the maybe not but I’m not sure
I want to deal with the epic fail outcome. That’s my whole problem anyways. I’m
not willing to put myself out there and get rejected. That’s why I’m here to
begin with. If I don’t start going out of my comfort zone now life is going to
continue to pass me by.
My Email:
Hey! I was looking at your profile
and we have a ton in common. I love hanging out in OTR and downtown and I am a
sucker for a cold beer and a baseball/football game. I definitely hit up Holy
Grail before Reds games. Hope you had a good weekend.
E
I guess I will just sit and wait…
So this guy who has interest in me is really cute. 28. Has
an MBA from IU. Is Catholic. Makes 75,000-100,000 a year. Loves dogs. Lives
downtown Cincy. Oh HELL YEA I’m going to wink the shit out of you. Except for
how do I do that? How do I put him in my interest pile? The buttons aren’t by
his picture? What the F? Oh Shit! What did I just do? I put him in my
“favorites”. What does that MEANNNNN?!?!?! I want him in my interest category.
How do I get him there?!?! Fine, I’ll write another freaking email.
My Email:
Mr. Moneybanks.
Hey,
It looks like we have a lot in common. I have a few
friends who went to IU and LOVED it! Where are some of your favorite spots in
Cincinnati?
E
So I got a few new winks. One from a 49 year old. Maybe I
will email him and see if he wants to hang out with my parents because they are
only 2 years older than him. And I got one from a very cute guy that will
donate all his Hollister and Ambercrombie clothes to my 14-year-old cousin. So
I winked at Mr. A&F. I mean a wink is free and easy.
What a day. Please Mr. Ray Bans email me back. That’s it
from the online world.
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